Be The Light

Faina has pretty much settled into a quiet routine. A few walks a day, maybe a visitor, a movie, and some news. Empty the ostomy bag, record the amount drained, change the wound bandage, and the 12 hours of TPN. That she misses eating is a steady refrain. Her frustration level is fed by reflecting on what was supposed to be a surgery and up to a week-and-a-half in the hospital that turned into two surgeries, a month in the hospital and a high likelihood of a third surgery in early November.

Now we are coming toward the close of the Ten Days of Awe. I have always felt that prayers and the parsha strike you different over the course of a year and over a lifetime. For example, the daily prayer for refuah shlaymah (a full return to health) has taken on an unexplored level of significance to me in the last few months. It is not uncommon to be uncomfortable with some aspects of our tradition and to find a way to make peace with objectionable language. I don't say part of Birkat, I'm glad I've never been a part of a congregation that makes a show of the second verse of the Aleinu, and Beth El included the Matriarchs in the Avot before it was formally in the siddur (and then we were among the first congregations to change over from the old to the new Siddur Sim Shalom). I have to admit to a whole new level of discomfort with some High Holy Days traditions this year. "Hatimah Tovah," may you be inscribed (in The Book of Life) just does not square with my concept of God. Taken a step further the piyyut Unetanah Tokef further ramps up the level of theological challenge:

On Rosh Hashanah it is inscribed,
And on Yom Kippur it is sealed.
How many shall pass away and how many shall be born,
Who shall live and who shall die,
Who shall reach the end of his days and who shall not,
Who shall perish by water and who by fire,
Who by sword and who by wild beast.

I guess this is the year that this prayer and that traditional blessing rings hugely different, stimulates a never tested nerve. There is too much of great beauty and too much that the world needs in our tradition to throw the bracha out with the klalla bathwater. For the first time in decades Faina won't be up to joining me for Kol Nidrei. I'm sure I will cringe at times, but I'll be refocused by some of my favorite verses, Ki Hine KaChomer, Ashamnu, Vidui, Al Het and by this charge in the Haftarah:

This is the kind of fast that I desire:
Unlock the shackles put on by wicked power!
Untie the ropes of the yoke!
Let the oppressed go free,
And break off every yoke!
Share your bread with the hungry.
Bring the poor, the outcasts, to your house.
When you see them naked, clothe them;
And from your own flesh and blood don't hide yourself.
Then your light will burst through like the dawn.

To all of my friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and the many others with whom I come in contact: If I have done anything to hurt your feelings or offend you in any way, I hope you will forgive me.