This is no time to be acting frivolous
because the time is getting late ....
This is no time to ignore warnings
This is no time to clear the plate
Let's not be sorry after the fact
and let the past become our fate ....
This is a time to gather force
and take dead aim and attack ....
The future is at hand ....
This is a time for action
because the future's within reach
This is the time (from There is no Time, Lou Reed)
The past few days have been extremely active. I've missed a lot of meals, caught my carbs and proteins on the fly and have not strung too many consecutive hours of sleep either. Nonetheless, this melancholy assignment has been a profound test of every inner and outer resource within my grasp. Margo and Jamie have been incredible in every way every step of the way.
Although Faina was told weeks ago that it was time to initiate hospice care, at the deepest levels of her Being, she had a need to hear confirmation of that assessment from Dr. Meng (Sloan Kettering), a definitive, respected, second opinion that there are no longer any treatment options. He had been holding to protocol that we would have to meet with him in New York. He finally offered to speak on the phone and with a fist full of recent CT, PT, and X-ray data communicated his assessment and suggested embrace the quality of life option at this point over suffering the rigors of any chemotherapy regimen he could propose. Faina acquiesed to his opinion and by extension, that of Dr. K. Today, home hospice is the reality.
As all of this was playing out, my brother-in-law, Igor was on his way from Israel. One of my first double dates with Faina was with her brother and his wife Galia. Like his father, fighting the Nazis from Stalingrad to Berlin, Igor was a part of the Israeli army chasing the PLO from southern Lebanon to Beirut in the 1982 Lebanon War. Years ago, when I asked him how he fought for four straight days with no sleep he said you just find the strength until the fighting is done. That is pretty much how I feel at the moment. Seeing his pain upon laying eyes on his sister on Tuesday morning was to look on a tragic scene. Despite the great distances that separated them, they were extremely close.
As I was writing this, while at her side, Faina quietly, peacefully passed away. She was always better than good, smarter than me, my guide and confidant. A fighter to the end. The greatest love of my life. My b'shert.
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Dear Louis,
ReplyDeleteI just read this and am deeply saddened to hear of your wife's passing. Faina sounds like she was a remarkable person. Marvin and I send our condolences to you and your family and we will keep you in our prayers.
Love, Cheryl
Dear Louis,
ReplyDeleteBob and I join you, Margo, & Jamie in heartfelt sorrow for your terrible loss.
It's as if-- once she had confirmation from another doctor whose scientific take she trusted-- Faina put her mind to letting go with the same determination she had in fighting the disease. You make it sound like she did both with admirable grace, and even efficiency.
Ever since you resumed writing about Faina's struggle with gastric cancer, I looked at the blog as not only a way for you to communicate with those who care about you and your family, but as a means for you to impose order on the anxiety of having to live through the surprise attacks of Faina's illness.
Now we have your answer to the painful question that haunted all of us who read your blog: "How will this end?" Thankfully, so thankfully, in peace, and companionably with you by her side, a scene of domestic normalcy-- one awake and working, the other drifting to sleep.
Thank you for letting us know, it's in some way comforting.
Michele Lieban Levine
May her memory be for a blessing.
ReplyDeleteThe Kuhns
I am so very sorry for your loss. As Adam said, may her memory be for blessing.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with your family.
Kindest regards,
Bobbi Spector
Louis, Margo and Jamie,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences in this blog, it's allowed us all to stay more connected to your family.
I am so sorry for your loss, and am thinking and praying with you.
Becca Cohen
So sorry to hear this, the thoughts and prayers of my family and of Margo's colleagues will be with you.
ReplyDeleteDear Louis, Margo and Jamie,
ReplyDeleteOur family sends love and prayers to you and we hold you all close to our hearts as your wife and mother, Faina rests in peace. The grace and strength that you four have demonstrated throughout this very difficult time is a lesson to us all.
with love,
Marcy, Ed, Andrew and Sasha Berger
I was a patient of Dr. Nagel's and she was such a kind and gentle soul. She was always concerned about my pain and how to minimize it. When I panicked during a root canal procedure, she held my hand.
ReplyDeleteTo her dear family ... know that she touched the lives of many and we are all better for having known her. My husband and I are sorry for your loss.
--Kira Lis
Please accept our heartfelt condolences.
ReplyDeleteMay you not know more sorrow.
The Shafrir Family
Dear Louis, Margo and Jamie,
ReplyDeleteOur thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. We love you, and we will always help you and support you in every way.
Nadia and Danny
Louis, Margo, Jamie,
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes for you. Even after knowing what was coming in the last few months, I am stunned by Faina's passing away. She will never be forgotten by all of us who loved and admired her. She is the best what this earth creates. I only hope for the rest of my life to be as thoughtful, kindhearted, and forgiving as she was.
Cherished memory.
Michael Levin